I hadn’t noticed this a few days ago, assuming it was in the Japanese print media, but NHK News has just run a segment on it. From Stars & Stripes :

All Yokosuka-based Navy personnel, civilians and dependents were cut off from late-night drinking in Yokosuka on Thursday by a general order signed by Rear Adm. James Kelly, Commander Naval Forces Japan.

And all active-duty servicemembers in the Kitty Hawk Strike Group — the Navy’s largest — are under a 1 a.m. curfew ordered by Rear Adm. Doug McClain, the strike group commander.

…

All personnel subject to the curfew must be back on base or in their off-base residences by 1 a.m.

In ordering the drinking restrictions, Kelly cited the recent spate of alcohol-related crime as the reason for his action.

William Reese, a Navy airman from the USS Kitty Hawk is in Japanese police custody in connection with the Jan. 3 beating death of a 56-year-old Yokosuka woman. Early Wednesday morning, USS McCain sailor Arlon Baker was arrested and accused of breaking into a Yokosuka junior high school. Both men were intoxicated, according to Japanese police reports.

…

The restriction applies only to alcohol consumption, said CNFJ spokesman John Wallach. If those covered by the drinking restrictions but not covered by the curfew “want to sit on a bar stool in the Honch till 5 a.m. drinking Coke, that’s fine,” he said.

The reaction is pretty predictable:

The alcohol ban is a “smart idea” during the week but extending it through the weekend is “pushing it,” said Petty Officer 3rd Class Anthony Merlotte.

“Sunday through Thursday makes sense — that will keep us on our toes for work,” he said. “But Fridays and Saturdays — that means more people will start drinking earlier.”

Honch bartender Anastasiya Bandarenka predicted people likely will just move their drinking to barracks rooms and private houses. That will be bad for bars’ business, she said, adding, “I think it’s rather foolish to believe that people will stop drinking just because of an order.”

Maybe. I’m not so sure about private houses–perhaps crashing for the night after having a few too many isn’t feasible for visitors, in which case they’ll be walking home pickled anyway. But if street crime, as opposed to mere drunkenness, is what the policy is designed to prevent, forcing people to get blotto in their own quarters (where they won’t cause a diplomatic incident if they smash windows) doesn’t sound like a bad idea.

So Hamas won big against Fatah in the Palestinian elections. Great:

International peace broking in the Middle East was plunged into turmoil on Friday by Hamas’s shock Palestinian election win and a U.S. vow not to deal with the Islamic group until it renounced violence against Israel.

Many world leaders turned up the heat on Hamas to moderate policies and Israel itself ruled out talks with any Palestinian government that involved Hamas, which is sworn to its destruction and has been behind dozens of suicide bombings.

Fears of internal Palestinian unrest grew when hundreds of gunmen from President Mahmoud Abbas’s long-dominant Fatah movement marched in Gaza City, firing in the air to protest against the Hamas victory and demanding that Abbas resign.

Hamas’s triumph on Thursday in winning 76 seats in the 132-member Palestinian parliament against 43 for Fatah was widely seen as a political earthquake in the Middle East, triggered by voter disenchantment with corruption.

“I have made it very clear…that a political party that articulates the destruction of Israel as part of a platform is a party with which we will not deal,” U.S. President George W. Bush told a news conference in Washington.

The US, Russia, the UN, and the EU (the Palestinian Authority’s biggest financial backer) are pressing Hamas to soften its position against Israel. Since it’s still calling for Israel to be wiped off the map, that’s going to be some softening.

There’s no cause-effect relationship here, but the Japanese cabinet resolved today to extend the deployment of SDF personnel in the Golan Heights:

In a 27 January cabinet meeting, the government decided to extend by six months the deployment of the SDF in the Golan Heights, which was to expire in March but will now last until September. The measure follows a half-year extension of peace-keeping activities by the UN Security Council’s United Nations Disengagement Observer Force (UNDOF). The SDF has participated in UNDOF, which conducts peace-keeping operations, since 1996; it conducts operations that include the transporting of basic supplies for living, the dissemination of information from headquarters, and project implementation.

Chris Crain at the Washington Blade has a lengthy post about Virginia Governor Tim Kaine’s statement that he will not veto a near-comprehensive ban on legal recognition of gay partnerships if it passes the legislature:

Not to worry, gay Virginians. You still have plenty of leverage here because Kaine is a Democrat and has aspirations to higher public office. Given the influence gay Democratic groups have within the party, pressure will surely be brought to bear on such an abject betrayal of an important constituency, not to mention the party’s historical commitment to civil rights.

Enter Josh Israel, president of the Virginia Partisans Gay & Lesbian Democratic Club, which endorsed Kaine’s election. Contacted by the Blade, Israel…well…he didn’t exactly call on Kaine to veto the amendment. In fact, he didn’t even ask Kaine to pressure the Senate to limit its scope. Instead, Israel begged (apparently from within Uncle Tom’s quarters at the plantation, since that term is being bandied about so much these days) the governor to at least make sure the ballot wording is fair.

How’s that? The ballot wording? Why not call on him to oppose the measure? Because, according to Israel in a remarkable bit of Orwellian spin, “it’s not the governor endorsing this effort when he says he will send it to the ballot. It’s just the governor doing his job.”

With gay rights activists like that, who needs party hacks?

Still, even if gay Virginias [sic] are left unprotected by weak-kneed local leaders, they can be thankful there’s a nationwide organization of gay Democrats to put the screws to Kaine. Only…the National Stonewall Democrats were a bit too busy this week to notice what was happening across the Potomac from their Washington headquarters.

Instead, they were pleasantly distracted by the goings on north of the nation’s capital, in Maryland, where Republican Gov. Robert Ehrlich was introducing legislation that would allow gay and unmarried straight couples to sign an official government registry ensuring they can make medical decisions for each other in time of emergency.

Just how did the National Stonewall Democrats react to a Republican governor in Maryland introducing legislation offering a modicum of legal recognition to gay couples, on the same week that the Democratic governor in Virginia said he would sign the broadest constitutional ban ever on legal recognition for gay couples? By attacking the Republican and not even mentioning the Democrat, of course.

“A bridal registry at Target would offer same-sex couples more benefits than this watered-down, election-year ploy by Governor Ehrlich,” said Eric Stern, the Stonewall Dems’ E.D., in a press release issued Friday.

Maybe so, but the Democrat in Richmond is poised to sign a ballot measure that would amend the state’s constitution to forever ban even a “watered-down” registry like the one proposed by Ehrlich, and it would probably take the bridal book at Target down with it.

People are always asking me why, since I think about politics all the time, I’m not more active in any PACs or in my party. (I bet even my dear friends reading this forgot that I switched my registration to the GOP a few months ago, right? Of course, you did.) The main reason is, the moment discussions of politics veer off policy and into which senator’s aide’s back needs to be scratched to get X done, or why Congressman Y had to use this word instead of that word when responding to a question about a certain issue at this or that rubber-chicken banZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

I know glad-handing is necessary. I know maneuvering is necessary. I’m also aware that a lot of people make ringing declarations of “principledness” that, in effect, mean they want to hold themselves aloof from the job of getting in there and figuring out how we can all live together in the real world without killing each other.

But the major gay political organizations provide illustration after illustration of what happens when politicking becomes the end rather than the means. Jonathan Rauch’s National Journal article from last week discussed a similar problem with the Republicans:

From 1981 through 1998, Republican reformers’ thinking was dominated by Dave Stockman (President Reagan’s first budget director) and Newt Gingrich (the reform-minded House speaker of 1995 to ’98). Both were movement politicians who believed that, by cutting spending, Republicans could build prosperity, tame Big Government, and win majority status.

The trouble was that budget cuts brought short-term political backlashes that kept interrupting the program. Burned by President Clinton in 1995-96 and then spanked by voters in 1998, Republicans decided to reverse the sequence. First they would build a political machine; then, once safely entrenched, they would reform Social Security and Medicare, shrink government, and so on. The new course was set by DeLay and Karl Rove, President Bush’s chief political strategist—both machine-builders par excellence.

And so, under DeLay and Bush, the Republicans spent generously, even profusely, to build their base. The number of budgetary earmarks increased from 2,100 in 1998 to 14,000 in 2005, according to Citizens Against Government Waste. To disarm the Democrats, the Republicans gave up on reducing entitlement spending and instead dramatically increased it, notably with an expensive new prescription drug program. (According to Richard Kogan, a senior fellow with the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities, the Republicans have added $540 billion to entitlement costs over the 2001-to-2011 period.) They cut taxes and spent heavily on the Iraq war and defense. (Real spending on defense and security has risen by more than 7 percent a year since 2001, Kogan says.)

When, last year, DeLay blurted out that the budget had no fat left, he meant that it had no political fat, and he was right. Every dollar now served a constituent group in DeLay’s carefully built machine.

Naturally, there are a lot of ways in which the cases aren’t analogous. The link I see is in the expediency-prioritizing operating procedure that involves playing the game to get ahead now and figuring you can revert to principle later. Maybe I’m just too trusting, but I find it hard to believe that most of the best-connected gay activists are just being cynical–that is, that they’re consciously using their positions to curry favor with the DNC and its more powerful local pols even if it means selling out gays in general. Their reasoning is probably that you can’t exert leverage you don’t have, and that building leverage means demonstrating a willingness to compromise.

That’s true enough, but if you haven’t nailed down what it is you’re not going to compromise on, you end up without any leverage anyway, even if you’re invited to some pretty choice receptions. The organizations mentioned in the Blade entry are both Democratic, so you can’t fault them for being partisan. That’s their job. You can fault them for being both disingenuous and pathetic about it.

I fear that to some American readers, the Asahi‘s “NHK’s aim to become BBC of Japan, duck Takenaka’s control” headline will give the wrong impression. Here’s how the accompanying article starts:

Japan Broadcasting Corp. (NHK), choked by scandals, a sharp drop in viewer fees and wariness of tighter government control, has unveiled a new management plan that tears pages from the BBC’s book of operating.

The new three-year plan not only de-emphasizes NHK’s old policy of expansion, but also stresses independence and stronger corporate self-governance.

That is apparently aimed at deflecting recent government moves to wield more control over the public broadcaster.

In December last year, Heizo Takenaka, minister of internal affairs and communications, set up an advisory panel to review NHK’s operations.

Before you snigger, “More like the BBC?!” let’s remember a few things. Like the BBC, NHK began as a government entity; unlike the BBC, it’s still a government entity. [Whoops–thanks, Toby. I was sure the BBC had undergone that neither-here-nor-there semi-public-corporation thing–a la Japan Post, whose new corporation just started operations, BTW–but no.] No, it still hasn’t been privatized; instead it’s stuck in Japan’s public-corporation limbo. That means there’s been nothing over the line about the Koizumi administration’s talk of reforming it. At the same time, it’s perfectly reasonable for the board of governors to want to be able to operate as it sees fit. From the above link to the NHK’s English website (corresponding Japanese here), this is its own wishful line about the way it functions:

NHK is financed by the receiving fee paid by each household that owns a television set. This system enables the Corporation to maintain independence from any governmental and private organization, and ensures that the opinions of viewers and listeners are assigned top priority.

Everyone in Japan knows that that’s a crock. Plenty of households manage not to pay NHK fees (mostly by simply bringing a television into the house without letting NHK know, rather than in the process of righteously opposing its misconduct), its news service plays along with the chummy press club game as much as that of any other major broadcaster or publication in Japan, and viewers and listeners have been making a beeline for other broadcasters that give them what they actually want to watch and hear.

So in theory, it sounds like a great idea for NHK to undertake reform from within. Vice President Taeko Nagai, in an interview with the Asahi, “said NHK can learn a lot from the BBC, which puts priority on high-quality programs ranging from news to drama to comedy.” Fair enough. NHK’s historical dramas and documentary shows are frequently first-rate, but it certainly broadcasts plenty of junk. (Whether excising that junk would be in line with better serving consumer demand is an impolitic question that I will humbly receive the favor of not answering here.)

Additionally, the resignation of its last board president exactly a year ago, mostly over embezzlement but also over the possibility that LDP higher-ups (including current star Shinzo Abe) pressed the producer of a mock trial program about Japan’s use of comfort women during the occupation of Asia to soften its contents. To be fair, that wasn’t the first time NHK reports and “documentaries” were shown to have been cagily edited or even outright staged, and in other cases, NHK acted on its own volition.

In any case, the government views NHK as a public body with responsibility to Kasumigaseki, and NHK views itself as a government-funded semi-independent body striving toward (dare we say it?) BBC levels of objectivity and independence. Unfortunately, NHK wants to have its freedom of the press and eat citizens’ money, too:

[Nagai] also indicated NHK’s system of mandatory viewer fees should be maintained, because there are many high-quality programs that can only be provided by public broadcasters like NHK or the BBC.

Conveniently–and in this sense readers won’t be getting the wrong impression at all–the arguments that have been made about the BBC apply pretty much equally to NHK: if it plans to wow us with all that high-quality programming and is serious about serving the public’s needs, won’t it be able to survive even if it’s competing with other broadcasters? At least, wouldn’t that be the case for its news service (which is the division in most obvious danger of being corrupted by too-close ties with the government)? NHK doesn’t think so. I mean, it really doesn’t think so.

Other elements of the new plan include offering services that play to NHK’s strengths as a public broadcaster: strengthening news reports and disaster bulletins, and creating broadcasts catering to specific regions.

As for scrambling NHK programs for households that do not pay, a move recommended in some quarters, the plan insists it should be avoided.

It said steps will be taken to urge people to pay, and, as a last resort, preparations would be made to sue anyone who does not sign a contract.

I think that’s pretty much what they are, indeed, going to have to be prepared to do.

Dear Mariah:

Because of you, I almost had the perfect weekend.

I mean, it’s because of you that I had to add the “almost.” Of course, Atsushi would have had to be here for it to be really perfect, but we had an appropriately tender anniversary call, and he seems less stressed by work lately, which is as perfect as things get while he’s away. Yesterday, I got the most delicious little spring sweater at Zegna to wear when we have dinner this Saturday. My best friend appears to be cementing a new relationship with a man I approve of. On Saturday night, everyone was in a great mood–ran into guys I hadn’t seen for ages but always enjoy talking too–and there was none of that slightly-strained merrymaking you sometimes get into over the New Year.

And then while I was talking to a cute, flirtatious Australian guy, I glanced up, and there was your hideous “Get Your Number” video. TOTALLY DESTROYED the combination of conviviality and aesthetic pleasure (did I mention that the boys at GB had managed to mix me a particularly yummy vodka tonic that go-round?).

Seriously, Mariah, or Mimi, or whoever you are now, I’m glad for your comeback. It’s horrible to see people suffer in public, and with that suicidal website post and your career tanking and the nervous breakdown…well, I’m no more a fan of your music than I was before, but I’m glad you were able to come up with another album that sold in the gajillions because you clearly needed it to make you feel better.

Now that you do feel better, can we make the next project not looking like a whore? As another cute, flirtatious guy (this one from New York) remarked when that horrid video played yet again, you’re working the “busted tramp” thing, and it’s so…bad…so very, very bad. It’s a lie that all (or most) gay men are misogynists, but it’s not a lie that some are, and I fear you’ve managed to fall in with a stylist or two who really don’t have your best interests at heart.

Same with your video director. Next time he says, “Okay, now that you’ve gotten into the shiny dress with the micro-miniskirt and the plunging neckline that exposes your appallingly obvious new rack-inflation job, I want you to perch on the edge of this here sofa with your knees three feet apart,” here’s your response–and I want you to practice this, dear: “LIKE HELL I WILL, BUSTER.”

You’ll be doing all of us a favor.

Still kinda feeling icky,

Sean K.

Considering what happens when communists take it into their heads to get bellicose, this is kind of nice to hear in a way. Unrealistic given the way the world has shaped up of late, but, you know, nice:

Kazuo Shii, chief of the Japan Communist Party secretariat, submitted an invitation to Social Democratic Party head Mizuho Fukushima to join the JCP in a struggle to oppose the revision of Article 9 of the constitution. The party leaders will conduct a meeting in the near future and discuss what kind of joint struggle is feasible. Shii addressed a press conference, saying “If we can come to an agreement between our parties, which hold Diet seats, we can wield a great deal of power to block the revision of the constitution.” SDP chief party secretary Seiji Mataichi confined himself to telling the Diet press corps, “The Social Democratic and Communist parties are not in a position to make very great headway by ourselves. We’re just part of a more broad-ranging citizens’ battlefront for preventing constitutional revision.”

How much citizen support the SDP and JCP can actually rally is very debatable. The public is ambivalent on the Koizumi administration’s unqualified support for Bush’s approach to the WOT; at the same time, China and North Korea have been emitting hostile noises with disturbing frequency, and Japan knows that it’s small and potentially vulnerable next to them. Its alliance with the US allows it to be part of a proven winning team, the US has made it clear that it wants the revision of Article 9 to go through, and while the Japanese are proud of the reputation for peaceableness the non-aggression clause has helped them maintain since the war, hard-core anti-war types haven’t succeeded in getting voters fired up against the LDP’s revision proposals.

Well, it’s finally happened: they’ve arrested Takafumi Horie. I haven’t been writing about this latest Livedoor story because…oh, I don’t know. Atsushi is the business person in the family, and focusing on Japan’s diplomatic soap opera gives me enough to talk about. As of this morning, the questioning Horie was undergoing was voluntary; the Asahi‘s latest English installment outlines all the key points for those who are interested but haven’t really been following along:

The Tokyo District Public Prosecutors Office’s questioning is apparently focused on Horie’s involvement in a number of dubious transactions, including the 2004 purchase of publisher Money Life Co. by Livedoor Marketing Co., a Livedoor affiliate.

Starting in autumn 2003, Livedoor took over six companies, five of them through stock swaps, and then manipulated their stock prices, sources close to the investigation said.

The profits gained through the manipulations were passed on to Livedoor in the form of fictitious transactions with its subsidiaries, the sources said.

Livedoor also listed gains through sales of its own shares as revenue, instead of assets, they said.

These maneuvers enabled Livedoor and its affiliates to window-dress their accounts, the sources said.Some said Livedoor had padded its earnings by about 9 billion yen.

…but so did his opponents, so that part of the outcome wasn’t really under dispute.

The Governor of Okinawa spoke today with the head of the JDA on the restructuring of US military installations in Okinawa, which is an ongoing issue on which there seems to be little movement lately:

Okinawa Governor Keiichi Inamine visited Japan Defense Agency head Fukushiro Nukaga at the JDA offices on 23 January. Of the mayoral election in the city of Nago, he stated, “The new mayor will be someone who acts in good faith, but all three candidates stood opposed to the proposal to shift [US military] operations and facilities from the Futenma Base to the coastal areas of Camp Schwab. It will still be a difficult issue from here on.” He went on to say of the Futenma restructuring issue that “from the Okinawa side, we will continue to act in good faith.”

The JDA has asked for concessions from the US aimed at minimizing the burdens placed on locals where our bases are located. The Yomiuri had a good English-edition rundown of the election referred to above:

In fact, Shimabukuro [ who won, BTW –SRK] is opposed to the relocation plan to which the Japanese and the U.S. governments agreed (under the agreed plan, the Futenma Air Station in Ginowan will be relocated to the southern coast of Camp Schwab in Nago). However, Shimabukuro wants to leave room for compromise should the plan be revised.

Henoko Ward Head Yasumasa Oshiro said: “Those who protest against the plan say, ‘The money will be gone as it’s spent, but the base will remain forever.’ But these pretty words don’t feed people. What’s important is compensation.”

Quite a few restaurants in the central part of the ward seemed to have closed down, others seem to be struggling, the English letters on their signs fading away.

An elderly taxi driver said, “This used to be a lively quarter, full of U.S. soldiers during the Vietnam War, but now it’s deserted, with no young people coming in.”

Oshiro is opposed to the current relocation plan, which suggests building the air station only 300 meters away from the closest civilian residence. He does not approve of the way the central government overruled the local governments when it agreed to the plan.

Oshiro criticized the central government, saying: “We’re not interested in dugongs and seaweed beds. The government should have dealt effectively with the opponents and promoted the idea of building the airport on reclaimed land in shallow waters off Henoko. It was their delinquency that didn’t make it happen.”

A few months ago, the US was the party pushing the original reclaimed-land proposal; local voters didn’t go for it, and it isn’t just a gambit by Okinawan politicians to shove the relocated facilities as far away from the locals as possible.

*******

Oh, and BTW, whoops!

Several unmanned helicopters produced by Yamaha Motor Co. may have been passed on to China’s People’s Liberation Army, it has been learned.

Suspicions have arisen that the helicopters, which are employed largely for industrial use but can be also used for military purposes, were illegally exported to China, investigators allege.

Yamaha Motor has denied the allegations, but suspicions have arisen that the helicopters may have been passed on to the People’s Liberation Army. Police and the Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry are investigating the company over its actions.

Investigators said Yamaha Motor was involved in trade with an aircraft firm in Beijing. The aircraft firm’s Web site says Yamaha Motor’s unmanned helicopters have prospects for “wide use in civilian and military fields.” An unmanned helicopter is pictured alongside a People’s Liberation Army jet.

The bar where Atsushi and I were first introduced is one of those places with lots of shelves and niches full of stuff. The owner has a thing for Chinese culture, so you’ve got your gongs and your dragons and your red and gold things. He also brought in some books. Guys frequently take down and page through the ones about your zodiac sign or gay places to go in Singapore and stuff. Being a big dork, I frequently took down the one called 水生無脊椎動物 (suisei musekitsui doubutsu: “aquatic invertebrates,” which title appears on the cover as Aquatic Invertebrates of the World) and looked at color drawings of the various varieties of starfish and cross sections of sea cucumbers. This drew such comments as “Sean, you’re the only gay man on the planet who would sit at a bar and read a book called Aquatic Invertebrates of the World” and…well, that was pretty much the comment everyone made, actually. Until Atsushi. His comment was “Hmmm…,” which with him frequently counts as a full sentence, as I would discover later.

You’re thinking this is yet another post with no point, but you are WRONG. Knowing the Japanese word for invertebrate means you know the character for spinal cord, and that means you can understand why Japan decided to reinstate its ban on US beef again today, after spinal cord was found in a shipment. The usual statements have been made. No more gyudon from Yoshinoya (again) until things are sorted out.

You have got to be kidding me (via Ace Pryhill at Gay Orbit):

University of Florida employees have to pledge that they’re having sex with their domestic partners before qualifying for benefits under a new health care plan at the university.

The partners of homosexual and heterosexual employees are eligible for coverage under UF’s plan, which will take effect in February. The enrollment process began this month, and some employees have expressed concern about an affidavit that requires a pledge of sexual activity.

…

Kim Tanzer, chair of the Faculty Senate, said she could understand why some faculty might view the affidavit as invasive.

“I can see (Behnke’s) point,” she said. “If you ask married folks if they’re in a platonic relationship, that’s a personal question.”

“Some faculty might view the affidavit as invasive”?

Some?

MIGHT?!

And the rest are perfectly sanguine about having a “must fuck” clause built into their health insurance policy? Even Ace herself (“Okay, so while that sounds great, and totally could be used as ammo when one partner doesn’t think the other is giving up the booty with enough frequency, it’s really a stupid stipulation”) and North Dallas Thirty (in the comments: “True, but I can see their point…..DPs really are not meant to cover, as they put it, long-term roommate relationships that don’t involve anything deeper than shared space and bills”), both of whom are usually reliably reasonable people, don’t seem to see what an OUTRAGE it is to have bean counters passing judgment on one’s sex life.

Because, you know? I really can’t see their point. Not even kind of sort of in a way. In fact, it’s so ludicrous that I clicked around the parent site a little just to make sure we weren’t being suckered by an Onion-style parody played straight. No such luck. Normally, I would be chary of interpreting “non-platonic” as meaning “sexual” to the bureaucrats interpreting it, but that’s how the UF people quoted sure appear to mean it. (And my understanding from people who have dealt with having their marriages observed for green cards and things is that even the INS only tries to determine whether you live together in an intimate way. If there’s some kind of bald sex requirement, it’s the one complaint about bringing a spouse back to the States that I’ve somehow avoided hearing.)

This kind of thing is the perfect illustration of how the campaigners for gay marriage, with their squalling emphasis on achieving “validation” and “respect” and “dignity” through paperpushing, have been shooting themselves in the foot. If two people of undisclosed sexuality decide they’re never going to marry and want to be responsible for each other, why shouldn’t a domestic partnership arrangement cover them?

I love seeing romance bloom, but I cannot for the life of me imagine having the effrontery to demand it of people. And when it comes to my own household, the only person whose business it is whether Atsushi’s being adequately serviced is Atsushi. I don’t even discuss what happens in our bedroom with my best friend.

UF’s VP of Human Resources is quoted as saying he “had no plans to personally enforce the sex pledge,” which is nice, because even if the idea weren’t COMPLETELY CRACKERS to begin with, what would you do? Would a used condom with DNA from both partners suffice (in the case of men)? Or would they have to go for it right in front of a certified university employee who would then sign a confirmation that they both got off? And, for that matter, even if they weren’t really in a “non-platonic” relationship, couldn’t the benefits be good enough that gritting their teeth through one bone-dance session a year (if that were the qualifying minimum) would be worth it for two unmarried roommates?

Unreal. Just unreal.